I have added a new blog about my life as a teacher in Thailand. You can find a link on the right hand side of the page. I will continue to print some chapters from New Dawn. I would love to hear any comments about this story. I plan to return to more addiction related topics in a few weeks.
I have just completed a second book about my struggle with alcohol. This story follows my life after leaving Wat Thamkrabok. It may take a while for this book to reach print, but hopefully it will eventually be released somewhere.
Tuesday 16 December 2008
Sunday 26 October 2008
Review of Last Escape by Critical Mick
Not only was Mick Halpin kind enough to publish an interview with me on his website, but he has also provided a review of my book which you can read here;
http://www.criticalmick.com/criticalmick_last_escape.htm
http://www.criticalmick.com/criticalmick_last_escape.htm
Saturday 18 October 2008
Interview with Critical Mick
Critical Mick (Mick Halpin) is a well known critic who is based in Ireland. He has appeared on 'The Writing Show' on quite a few occasions and he recently interviewed me about my book 'Last Escape'. You can check out the interview at the following link;
http://www.criticalmick.com/criticalmick_garrigan_interview.htm
http://www.criticalmick.com/criticalmick_garrigan_interview.htm
Monday 14 July 2008
Letting go
This is something that I have been thinking a lot about recently. I have discovered that the more I trust life the easier it becomes. If I just let go and trust that my path will take me where it is that I need to go then it is like a whole weight has been taking off my shoulders.
I first heard about this idea from two sources; Buddhism and Alcoholics Anonymous. In AA they talk about acceptance of life and that things are exactly the way they should be at this moment. This idea is frequently repeated in Buddhism. We need to accept the world as it is if we want any peace.
This doesn't mean that we let go of everything but more that we deal with life in a less rigid manner. All we must deal with is what is in front of us. Of course terrible things happen around the world but we must be realistic about how we can affect these. The world has been the way it is long before we were born and will likely continue to be this way long after we leave. Sometimes the best we can do is just not add to the problem. I truly believe if everyone just tried to fix themselves there would be no need for social activism. When we fix ourselves we are automatically of more use to other people.
I think that this is the real message to be found in Buddhism and other spiritual paths. We need to accept life and let go of the idea that we need to change it. When we stop fighting life we will find that we are at peace with it. Life can take care of us if we let it.
I first heard about this idea from two sources; Buddhism and Alcoholics Anonymous. In AA they talk about acceptance of life and that things are exactly the way they should be at this moment. This idea is frequently repeated in Buddhism. We need to accept the world as it is if we want any peace.
This doesn't mean that we let go of everything but more that we deal with life in a less rigid manner. All we must deal with is what is in front of us. Of course terrible things happen around the world but we must be realistic about how we can affect these. The world has been the way it is long before we were born and will likely continue to be this way long after we leave. Sometimes the best we can do is just not add to the problem. I truly believe if everyone just tried to fix themselves there would be no need for social activism. When we fix ourselves we are automatically of more use to other people.
I think that this is the real message to be found in Buddhism and other spiritual paths. We need to accept life and let go of the idea that we need to change it. When we stop fighting life we will find that we are at peace with it. Life can take care of us if we let it.
Sunday 29 June 2008
Building a house
We decided that the time was now right to think about building our own house. I was delighted to hear that Oa's family were willing to give us some land in the village on which to build one. We had looked at land before which we might buy, but for one reason or another I decided against - the usual reason being that I just couldn't afford it. I was also put off by the fact that it was not possible for a foreigner like myself to own land. It would need to be in Oa's name The land was unbelievably cheap, compared to prices back in Europe, but I didn't know how much longer we would be staying in the village. I needed to get work eventually and this would entail moving to a city. I didn't have the money to be buying land and building a house that we wouldn't be living in - even if it was really cheap. A house was another commitment that I was reluctant to make.
With the land donated by Oa's family there was nothing really stopping us from building our own house. It would be a great investment. I could easily see that. Even if we didn't live in it full time it would be nice to have our own place to go to on spare weekends. Renting in the village wasn't the same as owning a house. We knew that the owner could decide that he wanted to give the house to one of his family at any time. There was also the problem that the house didn't seem a particularly safe face in which to raise a child. The electrics were far too dangerous for a toddler exploring the house. I had received an electric shock on a few occasions. At least if we built our own home we could ensure that it was safe.
We arranged to have the land cleared. Oa's family's old house was still on the land so we needed to have it taken down. I am not very good at manual labour. I'm too lazy - although I tell myself that I'm more of a thinker. I also found working in the Thai heat to be too draining. I used the excuse of my degree coursework for my inability to help out much on the land. I was happy to pay somebody else to do it though. I did help out on a couple of occasions, but Oa made fun of the fact that I would give up after an hour.
One of the problems with the land was that it was very prone to flooding. We would need to do something about this before we started to build anything. Oa informed me that we would need to raise the land and build a wall to protect us from the waters during the rainy season. We had a river running about 20 meters from the back of the house. When the rains came this river would sometimes reach the road at the front of the land. Oa would sometimes comment on her failure to understand why her father had bought such land.
Oa told me the story of how her family came by their land, and I found it really interesting how simple things could be in Thailand. A few decades ago the people of Thailand could get land by clearing the jungle and just claiming it. I would have thought that this would mean the jungle would be cleared in no time and all the land claimed. This is not what happened. The Thai people are frightened by ghosts and for a lot of them this fear has a great impact on their lives. In the past they would fear cutting down the jungle because they believed the ghosts who lived there would be upset. They wouldn't dare risk offending the ghosts.
Before cutting down a tree in Thailand it is customary to ask permission of the guardian who lives in the tree. In order to do this they leave an axe lying against the tree over night. If the axe is still upright in the morning, permission has been granted. This complete belief in ghosts is what stopped people from knocking down trees and claiming all the land in the jungle. I sometimes think that the land Oa's father claimed was without the permission of the tree guardian as it spends three months of the year under water.
Another area of Thai life where ghosts are taken into consideration is the home. Every house is believed to contain not only the living family members but also dead relatives and other hanger-ons;that is unless you provide for them their own accommodations. This is why most houses will have a spirit-house where they can stay. These houses are very small (more like hen houses) but extensions needed to be added if you put an extension on the main house; you don't want dead relatives feeling left out as this can lead to all sorts of problems. Families also make daily offerings of food and drinks and leave them on the spirit house.
Oa's dad is actually a maw pii, or spirit doctor, and makes a bit of money from it. His services are often required when villagers want to make offerings to the departed and need him to communicate with the ghosts. They villagers often reward him with bottles of rice whiskey for his services.
Oa's dad is actually quite a fan of the whiskey. I remember a couple of years back we went to some party in another village. He was completely wasted and fell off his motorbike on the way home. I took him to the local clinic where he informed them that a ghost pushed him off the bike. I was amazed to find that they believed him.
The wearing of amulets in Thailand is big business with some fetching as much as a million euros These amulets are believed to protect from ghosts, bring good luck and even stop bullets.
Although the Buddha is believed to have acknowledged the existence of ghosts who lived in different realms, the Thai obsession with ghosts is not really connected to Buddhism, but more to do with their older religion animism. Historically the monks used the Thai fear of ghosts to help teach them Dhamma (Buddhist beliefs), they would demonstrate the strength of the Buddha's teachings by sleeping alone in burial sites or in the jungle. They would also provide the locals with blessings and amulets to protect them.
After living in Thailand a while I have learned to respect their belief in ghosts but wouldn't go as far to say I completely believe in them myself. I remember years ago reading a book called 'Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance'. I can't recall much of the book but one thing I do remember is the authors claim that ghosts exist if people believe in them.
With the land donated by Oa's family there was nothing really stopping us from building our own house. It would be a great investment. I could easily see that. Even if we didn't live in it full time it would be nice to have our own place to go to on spare weekends. Renting in the village wasn't the same as owning a house. We knew that the owner could decide that he wanted to give the house to one of his family at any time. There was also the problem that the house didn't seem a particularly safe face in which to raise a child. The electrics were far too dangerous for a toddler exploring the house. I had received an electric shock on a few occasions. At least if we built our own home we could ensure that it was safe.
We arranged to have the land cleared. Oa's family's old house was still on the land so we needed to have it taken down. I am not very good at manual labour. I'm too lazy - although I tell myself that I'm more of a thinker. I also found working in the Thai heat to be too draining. I used the excuse of my degree coursework for my inability to help out much on the land. I was happy to pay somebody else to do it though. I did help out on a couple of occasions, but Oa made fun of the fact that I would give up after an hour.
One of the problems with the land was that it was very prone to flooding. We would need to do something about this before we started to build anything. Oa informed me that we would need to raise the land and build a wall to protect us from the waters during the rainy season. We had a river running about 20 meters from the back of the house. When the rains came this river would sometimes reach the road at the front of the land. Oa would sometimes comment on her failure to understand why her father had bought such land.
Oa told me the story of how her family came by their land, and I found it really interesting how simple things could be in Thailand. A few decades ago the people of Thailand could get land by clearing the jungle and just claiming it. I would have thought that this would mean the jungle would be cleared in no time and all the land claimed. This is not what happened. The Thai people are frightened by ghosts and for a lot of them this fear has a great impact on their lives. In the past they would fear cutting down the jungle because they believed the ghosts who lived there would be upset. They wouldn't dare risk offending the ghosts.
Before cutting down a tree in Thailand it is customary to ask permission of the guardian who lives in the tree. In order to do this they leave an axe lying against the tree over night. If the axe is still upright in the morning, permission has been granted. This complete belief in ghosts is what stopped people from knocking down trees and claiming all the land in the jungle. I sometimes think that the land Oa's father claimed was without the permission of the tree guardian as it spends three months of the year under water.
Another area of Thai life where ghosts are taken into consideration is the home. Every house is believed to contain not only the living family members but also dead relatives and other hanger-ons;that is unless you provide for them their own accommodations. This is why most houses will have a spirit-house where they can stay. These houses are very small (more like hen houses) but extensions needed to be added if you put an extension on the main house; you don't want dead relatives feeling left out as this can lead to all sorts of problems. Families also make daily offerings of food and drinks and leave them on the spirit house.
Oa's dad is actually a maw pii, or spirit doctor, and makes a bit of money from it. His services are often required when villagers want to make offerings to the departed and need him to communicate with the ghosts. They villagers often reward him with bottles of rice whiskey for his services.
Oa's dad is actually quite a fan of the whiskey. I remember a couple of years back we went to some party in another village. He was completely wasted and fell off his motorbike on the way home. I took him to the local clinic where he informed them that a ghost pushed him off the bike. I was amazed to find that they believed him.
The wearing of amulets in Thailand is big business with some fetching as much as a million euros These amulets are believed to protect from ghosts, bring good luck and even stop bullets.
Although the Buddha is believed to have acknowledged the existence of ghosts who lived in different realms, the Thai obsession with ghosts is not really connected to Buddhism, but more to do with their older religion animism. Historically the monks used the Thai fear of ghosts to help teach them Dhamma (Buddhist beliefs), they would demonstrate the strength of the Buddha's teachings by sleeping alone in burial sites or in the jungle. They would also provide the locals with blessings and amulets to protect them.
After living in Thailand a while I have learned to respect their belief in ghosts but wouldn't go as far to say I completely believe in them myself. I remember years ago reading a book called 'Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance'. I can't recall much of the book but one thing I do remember is the authors claim that ghosts exist if people believe in them.
Saturday 17 May 2008
Visit to Chiang Mai
My visa wasn’t due to finish for almost a month, but I decided to pay a visit to immigration anyway and get a month extension out of the way. This would mean that I would have nearly two months before needing to make the trip again. I was looking for an excuse to go to Chiang Mai anyway, and this seemed like the ideal reason. I really enjoyed my trips to this capital of the North of Thailand, and It was in that the city where I had first met Oa and had previously attended a meditation retreat at Wat Rampoeng. It was my type of place with plenty of bookstores. I tended to visit there every couple of months.
Oa decided that she didn’t want to go with me so this meant that I could make the 350KM journey by motorbike. I would enjoy being back out on the road again. These long journeys felt like a great way of catching up with myself. There was less distractions on the road, than my life in general, so it gave me plenty of time to think.
I had made the trip to Chiang Mai, by motorbike, on a number of times so felt fairly familiar with the journey . It was relatively straight forward. I started off from Chat Trakan and made my way by the back roads to Uttaridit where I would join the main road. I always needed to be cautious on these back roads because there would frequently be dogs, chickens and snakes wandering into the middle of the road. There was carrion everywhere on the roads from collisions with cars, but I knew that if my bike was to hit them it would also be me lying on the road. It was something that I tried not to think about too much as it really scared me. Another danger on these back roads was frequent potholes which could sometimes come upon me unexpectedly. Despite all the dangers I still loved riding the bike.
After Uttaridit the road climbs up into the hills near Den Chai. The journey slows down here as the roads become very steep as they curvedaround the hills. As usual I found myself stuck behind a convoy of trucks which crawled in front of me. It could be difficult to get past these huge beasts as the winding road would make it almost impossible to see in front of me. Still the slow progress allowed me to appreciate the scenery around me which was stunning. The fact that we were so high meant that we could see for miles into beautiful valleys below.
After Den Chai I changed road and made my way to Lampang. This was where Flower and her aunty Nit, from Wat Thamkrabok, lived. I could picture her chubby happy face. I wondered how she was doing now. Had she left the world of yaa baa and opium addiction behind her? She seemed positive back in the temple about her future. She had a child to look after. I hoped that she hadn’t fallen back in with her previous drug buddies. Staying clean and sober could be especially difficult when you were surrounded by familiar temptation. Her aunty had said that she wouldn’t be returning to Lampang after the temple because she had friends in Pattaya she wanted to stay with. As I passed through the city I kept my eye out for Flower; realising that the chances of bumping into her were slim to none. As I left Lampang behind me I mentally sent her my good wishes.
As someone who has just escaped from an addiction I know that the statistics are stacked against me. Relapse is common and many would argue that you are never truly free from their addictive past. It will always be in the background waiting for a chance to strike. It’s depressing to think about it really. All the progress and good things in my life could be whipped away again, and I could be back to the wreck of a man that I was before entering the temple. I don’t even like to consider that option. I put my faith in the fact that my addiction is cured. I might still get the occasional drinking thought. This is natural, especially as there is constant reminders everywhere. The main thing is that I won’t let myself forget the misery of a return to alcohol.
I think that this is one way that giving up alcohol is harder than other addictions. It is so much part of society, especially in the west. You don’t need to spend much time watching television there before you will see scenes of people partying or enjoying a well earned drink. This is less true in Thai media, but it still occurs. I have never seen the same positive images used with other drugs. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about this, and I’m not about to launch into a tirade about the evil drinks industry, and how they have brainwashed everyone. That is not really my concern and well beyond my ability to change. I don’t want to change the world so much as improve my ability to live in it and maybe help others along the way if I can. My point though is that there is a lot of positive reinforcement in the use of alcohol out there. The same could probably have been said about cigarettes years ago. Now alcohol is still promoted as something used to celebrate with, to relax after a hard days work, to drown sorrows and to act as a social lubricant.
When I tell people that I don’t smoke there is rarely an eyebrow raised and you don’t really get people asking for a reason why you don’t do it. Not smoking isn’t seen as odd behaviour, at least not these days. When you tell people you don’t drink you do get a different response though. Many people do want to know why and some can be very persistent in their questioning. I know that when I was younger I always thought that anybody who didn’t drink was either somebody who ‘found God’ or somebody who couldn’t because they were on the wagon.
When asked ‘why don’t you drink ?’ it put me in a position of either trying to brush off the question or telling them my life story. Do I need to tell everyone that I’m a reformed drunk who now needs to avoid the stuff like the plague, or do I just say I don’t like to drink. I suppose both answers are fine and in many situations I would opt for answer two. There are some persistent questioners though for who this answer isn’t enough. They want more information. Many of these people probably have drink problems themselves, as their persistence in questioning along this line proves an obsession of sorts. If I think that it will help them I might tell them a bit about my history. Other times I might just say that I like to meditate and drinking interferes with my ability to this. They might see me as a bit of an odd-ball for this answer but it often stops the questioning and it is true in a way.
There is constant reminders of alcohol in the world around me, but surprisingly I do get days go by without even a thought of alcohol. These reminders will always be there, but I feel sure that as times moves on they will mean even less. I have been lucky enough to meet people with many years of sobriety so I do know that it is a possible achievement.
Oa decided that she didn’t want to go with me so this meant that I could make the 350KM journey by motorbike. I would enjoy being back out on the road again. These long journeys felt like a great way of catching up with myself. There was less distractions on the road, than my life in general, so it gave me plenty of time to think.
I had made the trip to Chiang Mai, by motorbike, on a number of times so felt fairly familiar with the journey . It was relatively straight forward. I started off from Chat Trakan and made my way by the back roads to Uttaridit where I would join the main road. I always needed to be cautious on these back roads because there would frequently be dogs, chickens and snakes wandering into the middle of the road. There was carrion everywhere on the roads from collisions with cars, but I knew that if my bike was to hit them it would also be me lying on the road. It was something that I tried not to think about too much as it really scared me. Another danger on these back roads was frequent potholes which could sometimes come upon me unexpectedly. Despite all the dangers I still loved riding the bike.
After Uttaridit the road climbs up into the hills near Den Chai. The journey slows down here as the roads become very steep as they curvedaround the hills. As usual I found myself stuck behind a convoy of trucks which crawled in front of me. It could be difficult to get past these huge beasts as the winding road would make it almost impossible to see in front of me. Still the slow progress allowed me to appreciate the scenery around me which was stunning. The fact that we were so high meant that we could see for miles into beautiful valleys below.
After Den Chai I changed road and made my way to Lampang. This was where Flower and her aunty Nit, from Wat Thamkrabok, lived. I could picture her chubby happy face. I wondered how she was doing now. Had she left the world of yaa baa and opium addiction behind her? She seemed positive back in the temple about her future. She had a child to look after. I hoped that she hadn’t fallen back in with her previous drug buddies. Staying clean and sober could be especially difficult when you were surrounded by familiar temptation. Her aunty had said that she wouldn’t be returning to Lampang after the temple because she had friends in Pattaya she wanted to stay with. As I passed through the city I kept my eye out for Flower; realising that the chances of bumping into her were slim to none. As I left Lampang behind me I mentally sent her my good wishes.
As someone who has just escaped from an addiction I know that the statistics are stacked against me. Relapse is common and many would argue that you are never truly free from their addictive past. It will always be in the background waiting for a chance to strike. It’s depressing to think about it really. All the progress and good things in my life could be whipped away again, and I could be back to the wreck of a man that I was before entering the temple. I don’t even like to consider that option. I put my faith in the fact that my addiction is cured. I might still get the occasional drinking thought. This is natural, especially as there is constant reminders everywhere. The main thing is that I won’t let myself forget the misery of a return to alcohol.
I think that this is one way that giving up alcohol is harder than other addictions. It is so much part of society, especially in the west. You don’t need to spend much time watching television there before you will see scenes of people partying or enjoying a well earned drink. This is less true in Thai media, but it still occurs. I have never seen the same positive images used with other drugs. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about this, and I’m not about to launch into a tirade about the evil drinks industry, and how they have brainwashed everyone. That is not really my concern and well beyond my ability to change. I don’t want to change the world so much as improve my ability to live in it and maybe help others along the way if I can. My point though is that there is a lot of positive reinforcement in the use of alcohol out there. The same could probably have been said about cigarettes years ago. Now alcohol is still promoted as something used to celebrate with, to relax after a hard days work, to drown sorrows and to act as a social lubricant.
When I tell people that I don’t smoke there is rarely an eyebrow raised and you don’t really get people asking for a reason why you don’t do it. Not smoking isn’t seen as odd behaviour, at least not these days. When you tell people you don’t drink you do get a different response though. Many people do want to know why and some can be very persistent in their questioning. I know that when I was younger I always thought that anybody who didn’t drink was either somebody who ‘found God’ or somebody who couldn’t because they were on the wagon.
When asked ‘why don’t you drink ?’ it put me in a position of either trying to brush off the question or telling them my life story. Do I need to tell everyone that I’m a reformed drunk who now needs to avoid the stuff like the plague, or do I just say I don’t like to drink. I suppose both answers are fine and in many situations I would opt for answer two. There are some persistent questioners though for who this answer isn’t enough. They want more information. Many of these people probably have drink problems themselves, as their persistence in questioning along this line proves an obsession of sorts. If I think that it will help them I might tell them a bit about my history. Other times I might just say that I like to meditate and drinking interferes with my ability to this. They might see me as a bit of an odd-ball for this answer but it often stops the questioning and it is true in a way.
There is constant reminders of alcohol in the world around me, but surprisingly I do get days go by without even a thought of alcohol. These reminders will always be there, but I feel sure that as times moves on they will mean even less. I have been lucky enough to meet people with many years of sobriety so I do know that it is a possible achievement.
Tuesday 22 April 2008
Blood test results
Writing a blog can be a lonely business. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks
On our first night in Pattaya we passed a clinic that offered blood tests. The last time my liver was checked, four years previously, the test showed that my liver was being damaged by my excessive alcohol intake. I had elevated LFTs. I had no idea where things stood now.
There had been a bit of mild abdominal pain recently but nowhere near as bad as when I drank. I knew that a lot of this pain could be due to other factors, but I still really worried about my liver. Here was a chance to face my fears. I made a pledge to myself that whatever the outcome I would not drink again. I now enjoyed my life and even if it turned out that my life expectancy had been reduced, due to my previous addiction, I wanted to spend whatever time was left sober. I went into the clinic to take the test.
While I was having my liver function tested I decided to also have the full range of blood tests including my cholesterol, which hadn’t been checked in years. The process only took a few minutes to complete and was less than a thousand bath. The told me that the results would be back in two days. I thought this a great service. I left the clinic pleased that I had taking some action to check on my health but also nervous about the possible results. I decided to try and not dwell on it too much.
Oa started complaining that she was hungry and so obtaining food became the next priority. The Thai restaurant we selected wasn’t very fancy, but the crowds of Thais eating there suggested that the food must be tasty. I missed Thai food while back in Ireland; where I found the food to be very bland. It’s strange, I would miss western food when I went a while without it but would be disappointed with its blandness when I would eat it again. The only exception to this would be bacon which always tastes delicious.
We ordered four dishes; som tam, deep fried beef, spicy pork salad and fish in lemon sauce. I hadn’t eating spicy food in Ireland so my tongue was out of practice. Luckily the meal came with raw vegetables which I was able to stick in my mouth to remove some of the heat. Oa is quite tiny, but she loves her food. She also swears by the Thai saying;’ mai pet, mai aroy’ which means if it is not spicy hot it’s not tasty. We were unable to finish all the meal, as there was so much food, but I felt pleasantly full.
We walked back to the hotel room. The bars were jammed packed by this time with evidence of drunkeness everywhere. To my sober mind this scene no longer looked exciting but seemed threatening. Many of the people seemed out of control, and I spotted a few who looked miserable despite the festive atmosphere. I didn’t envy them their partying any longer and felt relieved to be going back to my room sober to enjoy the rest of the evening. Along the way we bought some fruit to eat back in the hotel in case our hunger returned. Thailand has a fantastic selection of fruit which varies throughout the year. When back in Ireland the fruit seem a bit limited in comparison. I wasn’t back in the hotel room long before falling asleep.
I woke up around midnight. Jet lag was having its affect. The partying could still be heard outside, and I knew that it would continue until almost sunrise. Unlike the first time I came to Thailand there now existed a closing time for bars at about two o’clock. This ban didn’t seemed to be enforced much of the time. It was still possible to get drunk at anytime in Thailand, especially in Pattaya.
We decided to move to a nicer hotel the next morning. I wanted somewhere with a swimming pool. We rented a motorbike and took a ride out to South Pattaya. We looked at a few places but in the end settled for a resort where we had stayed twice before called East-sea resort. We had enjoyed staying there previously; although for me a lot of the attraction had been alcohol related. It had the choice of at least three different swimming pools and wi-fi was available for my laptop. Our present hotel also advertises itself as having wi-fi, but they forgot to mention, on their website, that they charged for this service, and it was far from cheap.
We got a taxi and brought our stuff to the new hotel room. I wasted no time before having a dip in the pool . I swam around for a short while, but as usual became bored after a few minutes. Oa joined me and we played around in the water for a while. I had enough and decided to go read my book. Oa was irritated with me because she wanted to stay in longer and didn’t want to stay alone; after all it had been my idea to get a more expensive hotel, because I wanted a pool. I laughed off her annoyance.
The rooms in East-Sea were of the bungalow variety and each had a little balcony where we could sit. I brought out a book and my new laptop and checked out the wi-fi. It worked all right but seemed a bit slow. I had been eager to use the internet since my arrival back in Thailand, but now that I was back online I couldn’t think of any sites I wanted to visit. I opened my book instead. Oa had enough of the sun and as usual became terrified that it might make her skin darker so returned to the room for a nap, We spent the rest of the day just lazing about with the occasional dip in the pool. In the evening we dined locally.
The next afternoon we decided to do something different. I had noticed people and jet skies earlier in the day. This was something I had never tried before and my sober mind felt more adventurous than my drunken one had been. We rented a jet ski from the beach in Central Pattaya.
I started off slowly as I had heard that these machines could be dangerous. It didn’t take me long to get my confidence though, and I was soon speeding along and trying to scare Oa. The weather was boiling hot so the water seemed very inviting. Oa roared out screams of laughter and terror. We took turns riding the jet ski for an hour. When Oa was in charge the ride became much slower and less bumpy. We finished the ride with our spirits high, and I was once again thankful for being sober and able to enjoy life. I had seen these jet skies for rent many times over the years, but never considered using them. I was only ever concerned with the bars.
Later that evening we returned to the clinic to get the results of my blood test. Despite my best efforts it had been playing on my mind, and I felt very nervous as we approached the receptionist. What if my liver was damaged beyond repair? She handed me my results in a white envelope. My hands shook as I opened it.
My Liver Function Test was normal - what a relief. This didn’t prove that my liver hadn’t been damaged, but it was certainly a good sign. I once again silently gave thanks to Wat Thamkrabok for getting me sober, and for providing the medicine, which I believed, had helped heal my liver. As a bonus bit of good news, all my other blood results were normal too.
We stayed in Pattaya for a further two days. This felt about enough time for enjoying the local attractions. We had visited a couple of temples, browsed through many markets and eating in a few nice restaurants. We took the night bus back to Phitsanulok where we were lucky enough to arrive in time to meet another a bus to take us to Chat Trakan. I was really looking forward to seeing our dog Cola again after our two month separation.
On our first night in Pattaya we passed a clinic that offered blood tests. The last time my liver was checked, four years previously, the test showed that my liver was being damaged by my excessive alcohol intake. I had elevated LFTs. I had no idea where things stood now.
There had been a bit of mild abdominal pain recently but nowhere near as bad as when I drank. I knew that a lot of this pain could be due to other factors, but I still really worried about my liver. Here was a chance to face my fears. I made a pledge to myself that whatever the outcome I would not drink again. I now enjoyed my life and even if it turned out that my life expectancy had been reduced, due to my previous addiction, I wanted to spend whatever time was left sober. I went into the clinic to take the test.
While I was having my liver function tested I decided to also have the full range of blood tests including my cholesterol, which hadn’t been checked in years. The process only took a few minutes to complete and was less than a thousand bath. The told me that the results would be back in two days. I thought this a great service. I left the clinic pleased that I had taking some action to check on my health but also nervous about the possible results. I decided to try and not dwell on it too much.
Oa started complaining that she was hungry and so obtaining food became the next priority. The Thai restaurant we selected wasn’t very fancy, but the crowds of Thais eating there suggested that the food must be tasty. I missed Thai food while back in Ireland; where I found the food to be very bland. It’s strange, I would miss western food when I went a while without it but would be disappointed with its blandness when I would eat it again. The only exception to this would be bacon which always tastes delicious.
We ordered four dishes; som tam, deep fried beef, spicy pork salad and fish in lemon sauce. I hadn’t eating spicy food in Ireland so my tongue was out of practice. Luckily the meal came with raw vegetables which I was able to stick in my mouth to remove some of the heat. Oa is quite tiny, but she loves her food. She also swears by the Thai saying;’ mai pet, mai aroy’ which means if it is not spicy hot it’s not tasty. We were unable to finish all the meal, as there was so much food, but I felt pleasantly full.
We walked back to the hotel room. The bars were jammed packed by this time with evidence of drunkeness everywhere. To my sober mind this scene no longer looked exciting but seemed threatening. Many of the people seemed out of control, and I spotted a few who looked miserable despite the festive atmosphere. I didn’t envy them their partying any longer and felt relieved to be going back to my room sober to enjoy the rest of the evening. Along the way we bought some fruit to eat back in the hotel in case our hunger returned. Thailand has a fantastic selection of fruit which varies throughout the year. When back in Ireland the fruit seem a bit limited in comparison. I wasn’t back in the hotel room long before falling asleep.
I woke up around midnight. Jet lag was having its affect. The partying could still be heard outside, and I knew that it would continue until almost sunrise. Unlike the first time I came to Thailand there now existed a closing time for bars at about two o’clock. This ban didn’t seemed to be enforced much of the time. It was still possible to get drunk at anytime in Thailand, especially in Pattaya.
We decided to move to a nicer hotel the next morning. I wanted somewhere with a swimming pool. We rented a motorbike and took a ride out to South Pattaya. We looked at a few places but in the end settled for a resort where we had stayed twice before called East-sea resort. We had enjoyed staying there previously; although for me a lot of the attraction had been alcohol related. It had the choice of at least three different swimming pools and wi-fi was available for my laptop. Our present hotel also advertises itself as having wi-fi, but they forgot to mention, on their website, that they charged for this service, and it was far from cheap.
We got a taxi and brought our stuff to the new hotel room. I wasted no time before having a dip in the pool . I swam around for a short while, but as usual became bored after a few minutes. Oa joined me and we played around in the water for a while. I had enough and decided to go read my book. Oa was irritated with me because she wanted to stay in longer and didn’t want to stay alone; after all it had been my idea to get a more expensive hotel, because I wanted a pool. I laughed off her annoyance.
The rooms in East-Sea were of the bungalow variety and each had a little balcony where we could sit. I brought out a book and my new laptop and checked out the wi-fi. It worked all right but seemed a bit slow. I had been eager to use the internet since my arrival back in Thailand, but now that I was back online I couldn’t think of any sites I wanted to visit. I opened my book instead. Oa had enough of the sun and as usual became terrified that it might make her skin darker so returned to the room for a nap, We spent the rest of the day just lazing about with the occasional dip in the pool. In the evening we dined locally.
The next afternoon we decided to do something different. I had noticed people and jet skies earlier in the day. This was something I had never tried before and my sober mind felt more adventurous than my drunken one had been. We rented a jet ski from the beach in Central Pattaya.
I started off slowly as I had heard that these machines could be dangerous. It didn’t take me long to get my confidence though, and I was soon speeding along and trying to scare Oa. The weather was boiling hot so the water seemed very inviting. Oa roared out screams of laughter and terror. We took turns riding the jet ski for an hour. When Oa was in charge the ride became much slower and less bumpy. We finished the ride with our spirits high, and I was once again thankful for being sober and able to enjoy life. I had seen these jet skies for rent many times over the years, but never considered using them. I was only ever concerned with the bars.
Later that evening we returned to the clinic to get the results of my blood test. Despite my best efforts it had been playing on my mind, and I felt very nervous as we approached the receptionist. What if my liver was damaged beyond repair? She handed me my results in a white envelope. My hands shook as I opened it.
My Liver Function Test was normal - what a relief. This didn’t prove that my liver hadn’t been damaged, but it was certainly a good sign. I once again silently gave thanks to Wat Thamkrabok for getting me sober, and for providing the medicine, which I believed, had helped heal my liver. As a bonus bit of good news, all my other blood results were normal too.
We stayed in Pattaya for a further two days. This felt about enough time for enjoying the local attractions. We had visited a couple of temples, browsed through many markets and eating in a few nice restaurants. We took the night bus back to Phitsanulok where we were lucky enough to arrive in time to meet another a bus to take us to Chat Trakan. I was really looking forward to seeing our dog Cola again after our two month separation.
Monday 24 March 2008
Sobriety means I can cope with hard times
The last few days have been very difficult for me. Our young son has been sick and he needed to be taken into hospital. He developed a high fever three nights ago and due to this he had a seizure. I was away at the time as I needed to go to Burma for an extension to my Thai visa. I was unable to get back until the next day.
When I got back it was a huge shock to see how sick Timmy looked. He was in the middle of a high fever and his face was all puffy and he his eyes were open but he was so quite. It almost tore me apart to see him this way. The hospital was unable to find any reason for his symptoms. I was amazed to find that they hadn’t even taken any bloods yet. They wanted to wait and see it the fever would resolve itself.
Our local hospital is very basic. Timmy was born there seven months ago and they did a great job, but I wasn’t sure they were the best place for him this time. I wanted to move him to the city and to a private hospital. The problem was that it was two hours away by car and I was worried that he might have a seizure again while we were far away from a hospital. In the end we waited until his temperature was falling and moved him.
The local hospital wanted us to wait until the doctor arrived in the hospital, but they couldn’t tell us when this would be. I wasn’t prepared to wait around for a few more hours for a doctor’s letter that wouldn’t say much. I though it prudent that we move Timmy while he was having a break in his fever.
In the private hospital they immediately took bloods and performed other tests to try and find a cause for his symptoms. They still can’t find anything but at least they are looking. Timmy seems to be improving and was fever free for most of the night. It looks like he is on the mend.
The last few days have been hard, but I could cope. I think back to my drinking days and can see how it would have been a different story then. I would have been overwhelmed and turned to alcohol to escape to pain. Instead of being able to be there for my wife and son, I would have been an added burden. I would have made the situation worse. I am grateful that this is not the case today.
When I got back it was a huge shock to see how sick Timmy looked. He was in the middle of a high fever and his face was all puffy and he his eyes were open but he was so quite. It almost tore me apart to see him this way. The hospital was unable to find any reason for his symptoms. I was amazed to find that they hadn’t even taken any bloods yet. They wanted to wait and see it the fever would resolve itself.
Our local hospital is very basic. Timmy was born there seven months ago and they did a great job, but I wasn’t sure they were the best place for him this time. I wanted to move him to the city and to a private hospital. The problem was that it was two hours away by car and I was worried that he might have a seizure again while we were far away from a hospital. In the end we waited until his temperature was falling and moved him.
The local hospital wanted us to wait until the doctor arrived in the hospital, but they couldn’t tell us when this would be. I wasn’t prepared to wait around for a few more hours for a doctor’s letter that wouldn’t say much. I though it prudent that we move Timmy while he was having a break in his fever.
In the private hospital they immediately took bloods and performed other tests to try and find a cause for his symptoms. They still can’t find anything but at least they are looking. Timmy seems to be improving and was fever free for most of the night. It looks like he is on the mend.
The last few days have been hard, but I could cope. I think back to my drinking days and can see how it would have been a different story then. I would have been overwhelmed and turned to alcohol to escape to pain. Instead of being able to be there for my wife and son, I would have been an added burden. I would have made the situation worse. I am grateful that this is not the case today.
Sunday 2 March 2008
New Beginnings
My life is now going through another period of change. I will be leaving the Thai village, where I have lived for over three and a half years, to move to a city 370 kilometers away. The move is necessary because I need to start back in full-time teaching, and there is nothing suitable in the local area - where we now live is very rural.
The city that we are moving to is called Lopburi. I actually passed through it on my way to Wat Thamkrabok. The city is close to the temple.
Lopburi is famous for the fact that the city has a large monkey population which are very visible in the old part of the city. If you like monkeys then Lopburi is heaven, but if you hate them then it would be hell on earth. Luckily I like them. I have spent a couple of days there and it does seem like a nice city. It will also be nice living close to Wat Thamkrabok.
I have got a job in a secondary school in the city which has an English Program. This means that they learn every subject in English - except of course for their Thai Language studies. I am not sure which subject I will be teaching, but there has been talk about health studies. The school itself seems well resourced, and I'm delighted to find that the classrooms are air-conditioned. I needed to give a demo lesson and the level of English among the students seems very good.
We plan to move to Lopburi next month. I will not be starting work until May 1st which is the start of the new school year. The students don't come until the 12th, but this gives the teachers a chance to prepare for the year.
This means that my nursing career has now been put on hold - at least for the moment anyway. Who knows? Maybe one day I will return to nursing or use my nursing skills in another way.
I feel both excited and sad about leaving the village. I have made a nice life here and now that it all going to change. As the Buddha pointed out, change is unavoidable and we suffer when we try and fight against it. I will have nice memories of my life here in the village, but I look forward to making new memories in Lopburi.
The city that we are moving to is called Lopburi. I actually passed through it on my way to Wat Thamkrabok. The city is close to the temple.
Lopburi is famous for the fact that the city has a large monkey population which are very visible in the old part of the city. If you like monkeys then Lopburi is heaven, but if you hate them then it would be hell on earth. Luckily I like them. I have spent a couple of days there and it does seem like a nice city. It will also be nice living close to Wat Thamkrabok.
I have got a job in a secondary school in the city which has an English Program. This means that they learn every subject in English - except of course for their Thai Language studies. I am not sure which subject I will be teaching, but there has been talk about health studies. The school itself seems well resourced, and I'm delighted to find that the classrooms are air-conditioned. I needed to give a demo lesson and the level of English among the students seems very good.
We plan to move to Lopburi next month. I will not be starting work until May 1st which is the start of the new school year. The students don't come until the 12th, but this gives the teachers a chance to prepare for the year.
This means that my nursing career has now been put on hold - at least for the moment anyway. Who knows? Maybe one day I will return to nursing or use my nursing skills in another way.
I feel both excited and sad about leaving the village. I have made a nice life here and now that it all going to change. As the Buddha pointed out, change is unavoidable and we suffer when we try and fight against it. I will have nice memories of my life here in the village, but I look forward to making new memories in Lopburi.
Saturday 23 February 2008
Karma and the Satja vow
An important idea in Buddhism is karma (kamma). The belief that actions have consequences and that our intended actions will have consequences for us. I find the idea of karma easy to accept. It makes sense to me. I have seen it work in my life on many occasions. I don't think there is anything magical about it, and I don't think that you need to be a Buddhist in order to accept it. Many people likely believe in karma without realising it.
I feel that many people wrongly view karma as being about punishment. I don't see it that way. For me it is just one of natures laws and so it's value free. Put very simply, when I do good things then good things will come my way, and when I do negative things then negative come my way. I am not being punished for doing wrong, but instead I am just getting back from the system what I put into it. Not everything that happens to me will be due to my karma, but it’s an important factor and it’s something that I have control over.
A simple example of how this works would be that if I help somebody else it will cause me to feel good about myself. An instant good result from my actions. It may also mean that the person who I have helped might help me at some stage. It could also mean that if I help people a lot then at a later time I might look back at my life and say, 'hey, I'm not that bad a person'. All these are positive outcomes from my actions.
A very positive action which I took was quitting alcohol. It continues to provide positive results even today, and I'm convinced that it will continue to do so into the future. This is what the satja vow is all about, which was the vow I made at Wat Thamkrabok to quit my addiction. I made a positive change in my life and has put my life on course for a bright future. Of course bad things will still happen occasionally but, unlike my previous life as a drunk, it won't be one disaster after another.
The most fantastic thing that the satja vow provides is that it allows me to lighten up on things. When I put my trust in the promise of the vow, that my life will improve so long as I maintain it, then I have much less in life to worry about. Things may seem bleak at times, but so long as I don't return to addiction then they will get better. I can't imagine ever ending up in the gutter sober. If I continue to sow good seeds then there will be good results at some time in the future.
An important thing to remember though is that while the satja vow promises that positive things will enter my life, so long as I maintain the vow, it doesn’t promise that things will always go my way. What I want and what is meant for me aren’t always the same thing. Sometimes I need to be patient, but when I look back I can see that life has taken me to where I need to be.
I feel that many people wrongly view karma as being about punishment. I don't see it that way. For me it is just one of natures laws and so it's value free. Put very simply, when I do good things then good things will come my way, and when I do negative things then negative come my way. I am not being punished for doing wrong, but instead I am just getting back from the system what I put into it. Not everything that happens to me will be due to my karma, but it’s an important factor and it’s something that I have control over.
A simple example of how this works would be that if I help somebody else it will cause me to feel good about myself. An instant good result from my actions. It may also mean that the person who I have helped might help me at some stage. It could also mean that if I help people a lot then at a later time I might look back at my life and say, 'hey, I'm not that bad a person'. All these are positive outcomes from my actions.
A very positive action which I took was quitting alcohol. It continues to provide positive results even today, and I'm convinced that it will continue to do so into the future. This is what the satja vow is all about, which was the vow I made at Wat Thamkrabok to quit my addiction. I made a positive change in my life and has put my life on course for a bright future. Of course bad things will still happen occasionally but, unlike my previous life as a drunk, it won't be one disaster after another.
The most fantastic thing that the satja vow provides is that it allows me to lighten up on things. When I put my trust in the promise of the vow, that my life will improve so long as I maintain it, then I have much less in life to worry about. Things may seem bleak at times, but so long as I don't return to addiction then they will get better. I can't imagine ever ending up in the gutter sober. If I continue to sow good seeds then there will be good results at some time in the future.
An important thing to remember though is that while the satja vow promises that positive things will enter my life, so long as I maintain the vow, it doesn’t promise that things will always go my way. What I want and what is meant for me aren’t always the same thing. Sometimes I need to be patient, but when I look back I can see that life has taken me to where I need to be.
Friday 15 February 2008
The Satja Vow
One of the most important things for me at Wat Thamkrabok was the satja vow. The promise I made not to drink again for the rest of my life. I was recently asked by somebody if you need to be Buddhist to make this vow.
I speak to many ex-patients of Wat Thamkrabok who have been sober for decades. Some of these people wouldn't consider themselves to be Buddhist, and I don't think you need to study Buddhism in order to take the satja seriously. The vow takes on its own importance and the fact that it can be only made once increases the significance.
In my view Wat Thamkrabok is a very spiritual community. I think that this is what makes it magical. In this I agree with AA, recovery often needs to be a spiritual path.
Many addicts are acting up because they have no other means of coping and are missing a spiritual aspect of their lives. The famous 'hole in the soul'. In my view many addicts have spiritual yearnings and if these yearnings are not met life will have little meaning.
The satja vow works. While you keep it good things come into your life. As somebody remains sober they will see that their lives are improving and their faith in the satja will grow. This has been the experience of all who I have spoken to who have followed the program.
The satja vow replaces the need for a support group in many cases, although some ex-patients do belong to AA/NA also. Of course sometimes the shit will hit the fan, as nobody gets a free ride through life, but the vow supports people through life.
The difference, in my view, between an ex-Thamkrabok patient who keeps his vow and a 'dry-drunk' is that the 'dry-drunk' has stagnated. They have giving up alcohol but all the reasons for why they drank/used are still there. They may stay sober for long periods but will resent this life without a tool (their favorite drug) which helped make life bearable.
An ex- Thamkrabok patient has made a vow to stay sober. They do this in order to find their correct path in life. A path which will make them happy. The fact that they have made themselves open to change and development means that change does happen. Sincere effort gets rewarded. I believe a similar process occurs when people in AA follow the 12 steps. I don't believe that it is only Wat Thamkrabok or the 12 stepers who have cornered the market on spirituality. Ex- addicts can find other ways to find their way onto a path through life which has meaning.
It is my belief that the satja vow is the same as the higher power in AA. The ex-Wat Thamkrabok patient puts their faith in the fact that the vow will get them through life. They can hand-over to this higher power. When they face powerlessness in life, which most of us face everyday, they can pass this over to their satja/higher power. The belief that the fact that they are trying to do the right thing will mean that everything will work out the way it should.
So no, you don't need to have any Buddhist knowledge to appreciate the satja vow, but you do need to believe that if you do the right thing the right things will happen. I would say that most people believe this basic idea of kamma (karma), at least at some level.
I speak to many ex-patients of Wat Thamkrabok who have been sober for decades. Some of these people wouldn't consider themselves to be Buddhist, and I don't think you need to study Buddhism in order to take the satja seriously. The vow takes on its own importance and the fact that it can be only made once increases the significance.
In my view Wat Thamkrabok is a very spiritual community. I think that this is what makes it magical. In this I agree with AA, recovery often needs to be a spiritual path.
Many addicts are acting up because they have no other means of coping and are missing a spiritual aspect of their lives. The famous 'hole in the soul'. In my view many addicts have spiritual yearnings and if these yearnings are not met life will have little meaning.
The satja vow works. While you keep it good things come into your life. As somebody remains sober they will see that their lives are improving and their faith in the satja will grow. This has been the experience of all who I have spoken to who have followed the program.
The satja vow replaces the need for a support group in many cases, although some ex-patients do belong to AA/NA also. Of course sometimes the shit will hit the fan, as nobody gets a free ride through life, but the vow supports people through life.
The difference, in my view, between an ex-Thamkrabok patient who keeps his vow and a 'dry-drunk' is that the 'dry-drunk' has stagnated. They have giving up alcohol but all the reasons for why they drank/used are still there. They may stay sober for long periods but will resent this life without a tool (their favorite drug) which helped make life bearable.
An ex- Thamkrabok patient has made a vow to stay sober. They do this in order to find their correct path in life. A path which will make them happy. The fact that they have made themselves open to change and development means that change does happen. Sincere effort gets rewarded. I believe a similar process occurs when people in AA follow the 12 steps. I don't believe that it is only Wat Thamkrabok or the 12 stepers who have cornered the market on spirituality. Ex- addicts can find other ways to find their way onto a path through life which has meaning.
It is my belief that the satja vow is the same as the higher power in AA. The ex-Wat Thamkrabok patient puts their faith in the fact that the vow will get them through life. They can hand-over to this higher power. When they face powerlessness in life, which most of us face everyday, they can pass this over to their satja/higher power. The belief that the fact that they are trying to do the right thing will mean that everything will work out the way it should.
So no, you don't need to have any Buddhist knowledge to appreciate the satja vow, but you do need to believe that if you do the right thing the right things will happen. I would say that most people believe this basic idea of kamma (karma), at least at some level.
Saturday 9 February 2008
'Last Escape' reviewed by The Bangkok Post
The 'Last Escape' received its first review in The Bangkok Post. I felt delighted that they mentioned my book, but I also think that they over-emphasized my criticisms of AA. I have great respect for the AA program.
http://www.bangkokpost.com/Realtime/08Feb2008_real011.php
BOOK REVIEW
Hope for lushes
Last Escape, by Paul Garrigan, 196 pp, 2008 Bangkok Book, paperback, Available at Asia Books and leading book stores, 395 baht
BERNARD TRINK
Covering the nitery entertainment scene for decades, I've seen more elbow-benders than I can count. That I'm not one of them is because I refused to accept the false bonhomie induced by suds and firewater. While not a teetotaler, much less an advocate of Prohibition, I've witnessed the deleterious effect of alcohol ("Come on, one more for the road!") and imbibe only in great moderation.
People have varied degrees of tolerance to booze, from the man or woman who can drink anyone under the table to the person who gets woozy sniffing a wet bar rag, but in every instance their reflexes are adversely affected. Hence their being tossed into the clink for driving under intoxication or bashing their spouse or taking sleeping pills instead of vitamins.
Celebrities keep going into de-tox clinics by court order, then get off the wagon as soon as the judge's back is turned. Losing jobs, their family, their self-respect, becoming bums on skid row, painful cirrhosis of the liver mark their descent. Can it be reversed at some point? AA, for one, asserts it can. They see alcoholism as a chronic disease, not fault of the sufferer.
Belief in the power of the group and a Christian God are needed to recover, along with the firm resolve to lay off the sauce. Dublin-born male nurse Paul Garrigan, who took to beer at age 11 ("Ireland and its pubs are inseparable."), was a lush by the time he was 15. Quaffing had its advantage, making him one of the big boys, losing his shyness, giving him aspirations to be like his role model Brendan Behan.
The downside is that he felt wasted, had cramps, suffered from blackouts, felt suicidal. He attended AA meetings, but didn't feel spiritually uplifted. Nor did he agree that he was in the grips of a chronic disease. Drinking was a bad habit that needed stopping. Applying for work in Saudi Arabia, a dry country, seemed the obvious solution.
Except that in every community of Westerners there, there was at least one home-made still. The white lightning they produced was over 100 proof. Garrigan literally staggered out of the place and headed for Thailand, having heard of temples treating addicts. His book Last Escape describes his experiences in two: Wat Rampoeng in the north and Wat Thamkrabok, 10 days in each with a break in between.
Meditation and emetics are used, throwing up three times a day. When not detailing the vomiting, Garrigan tells us about the other addicts (also druggies), of both genders, doing the same and the monks teaching the precepts of Buddhism. His body purified, he accepts the philosophy/religion and rides off on his Honda motorcycle to wed his Thai girlfriend and father their child.
The message is that even if you're falling down drunk, there is hope at Wat Thamkrabok as long as you can stand all the puking. This reviewer doesn't know what AA has to say about Wat Thamkrabok. It would be unwise to reject it out of hand. It would be unwise to reject it out of hand. It is proving its worth, though there are recidivists.
http://www.bangkokpost.com/Realtime/08Feb2008_real011.php
BOOK REVIEW
Hope for lushes
Last Escape, by Paul Garrigan, 196 pp, 2008 Bangkok Book, paperback, Available at Asia Books and leading book stores, 395 baht
BERNARD TRINK
Covering the nitery entertainment scene for decades, I've seen more elbow-benders than I can count. That I'm not one of them is because I refused to accept the false bonhomie induced by suds and firewater. While not a teetotaler, much less an advocate of Prohibition, I've witnessed the deleterious effect of alcohol ("Come on, one more for the road!") and imbibe only in great moderation.
People have varied degrees of tolerance to booze, from the man or woman who can drink anyone under the table to the person who gets woozy sniffing a wet bar rag, but in every instance their reflexes are adversely affected. Hence their being tossed into the clink for driving under intoxication or bashing their spouse or taking sleeping pills instead of vitamins.
Celebrities keep going into de-tox clinics by court order, then get off the wagon as soon as the judge's back is turned. Losing jobs, their family, their self-respect, becoming bums on skid row, painful cirrhosis of the liver mark their descent. Can it be reversed at some point? AA, for one, asserts it can. They see alcoholism as a chronic disease, not fault of the sufferer.
Belief in the power of the group and a Christian God are needed to recover, along with the firm resolve to lay off the sauce. Dublin-born male nurse Paul Garrigan, who took to beer at age 11 ("Ireland and its pubs are inseparable."), was a lush by the time he was 15. Quaffing had its advantage, making him one of the big boys, losing his shyness, giving him aspirations to be like his role model Brendan Behan.
The downside is that he felt wasted, had cramps, suffered from blackouts, felt suicidal. He attended AA meetings, but didn't feel spiritually uplifted. Nor did he agree that he was in the grips of a chronic disease. Drinking was a bad habit that needed stopping. Applying for work in Saudi Arabia, a dry country, seemed the obvious solution.
Except that in every community of Westerners there, there was at least one home-made still. The white lightning they produced was over 100 proof. Garrigan literally staggered out of the place and headed for Thailand, having heard of temples treating addicts. His book Last Escape describes his experiences in two: Wat Rampoeng in the north and Wat Thamkrabok, 10 days in each with a break in between.
Meditation and emetics are used, throwing up three times a day. When not detailing the vomiting, Garrigan tells us about the other addicts (also druggies), of both genders, doing the same and the monks teaching the precepts of Buddhism. His body purified, he accepts the philosophy/religion and rides off on his Honda motorcycle to wed his Thai girlfriend and father their child.
The message is that even if you're falling down drunk, there is hope at Wat Thamkrabok as long as you can stand all the puking. This reviewer doesn't know what AA has to say about Wat Thamkrabok. It would be unwise to reject it out of hand. It would be unwise to reject it out of hand. It is proving its worth, though there are recidivists.
Tuesday 5 February 2008
Advice to other writers
I received an email from another ex-patient from the temple who was interested in writing a memoir about his experiences in sobriety. His story is fascinating and could would likely help others. I think that there will never be enough of these stories for people to read. When I was a drunk I would search bookstores for any stories of hope in regards to addiction. Anyway I'll reprint here some of the advice which I gave him. Perhaps some of you readers also have a book in you. I'm no expert but still very much a beginner writing but here was my advice;
I will tell you what I have discovered about writing. I would frequently, throughout my life, begin writing something but then go back and read it and be so discouraged by what I had written that I would abandon any further writing and destroy the evidence of my crapness. I didn't realise that the first draft of any manuscript is allowed to be terrible and nobody needs to see it. It is only after the first draft is finished that you go back and make it readable.
Writing a book takes time and a lot of energy. For example, the first email you sent me yesterday seem to have over 200 words in it. If you made yourself write 200 hundred words everyday about your story in one year you will have over 70,000 words which is a very respectable sized book. You may find that you write a lot more than 200 words a day. The main thing though is that you continue writing until the project is finished. This may take years.
The important thing when you are writing the first draft is not to read what you have written and don't attempt to edit it, at least that has been my experience. If you want you can record any changes you wish to make in a notebook but don't mess around with the manuscript itself. It will only likely discourage you. When you have finished the first draft of the manuscript you can tell people that you have written a book if you want (but I would advise against showing this first draft to anyone).
After you finish the first draft of the manuscript is when the real hard work begins for many people. It may take many rewrites to get it to a place where you feel that it is readable, but the fact that you have written a first draft should be motivation enough to keep you going. When you reread your first draft you may feel a bit discouraged about how crap it is. This is normal.
When I was writing about the temple I felt driven to get it finished. Telling my story felt more important to me than how crap my writing was. As you say, when you do something from the heart it just feels right. I ignored the above advice and just published as I went along. I would write a chapter most days and publish it as part of my blog on the internet. Very little time was spent on editing. People began reading my blog and some provided positive comments and this motivated me to finish the thing. It was only when I had finished that I realised that I had the basis of a book.
I later went back and reread the whole blog and was a bit disappointed with the standard of the writing. . I spent months rewriting the whole thing and this led to the book. I don't know if I would have the nerve to do this blog method of writing a book again.
I am currently writing another book, two in fact. This time I am just concentrating on getting the first drafts written and not showing it to anybody.
I really wish you all the best with your writing.
Get your arse in the chair and don't expect yourself to be the next Stephen King.
The joy is in writing the damn thing. If it helps somebody else or it gets published is a big bonus.
I have found the following podcasts helpful.
If you have itunes you can easily download them all or you can listen online.
http://isbw.murlafferty.com/
http://www.writingshow.com/
There are plenty more if you search the internet.
I would also advise that if you have time, and can't do it already, that you learn to touch-type.
There are plenty webpages and free programs on the internet to teach you how to do this.
Paul
I will tell you what I have discovered about writing. I would frequently, throughout my life, begin writing something but then go back and read it and be so discouraged by what I had written that I would abandon any further writing and destroy the evidence of my crapness. I didn't realise that the first draft of any manuscript is allowed to be terrible and nobody needs to see it. It is only after the first draft is finished that you go back and make it readable.
Writing a book takes time and a lot of energy. For example, the first email you sent me yesterday seem to have over 200 words in it. If you made yourself write 200 hundred words everyday about your story in one year you will have over 70,000 words which is a very respectable sized book. You may find that you write a lot more than 200 words a day. The main thing though is that you continue writing until the project is finished. This may take years.
The important thing when you are writing the first draft is not to read what you have written and don't attempt to edit it, at least that has been my experience. If you want you can record any changes you wish to make in a notebook but don't mess around with the manuscript itself. It will only likely discourage you. When you have finished the first draft of the manuscript you can tell people that you have written a book if you want (but I would advise against showing this first draft to anyone).
After you finish the first draft of the manuscript is when the real hard work begins for many people. It may take many rewrites to get it to a place where you feel that it is readable, but the fact that you have written a first draft should be motivation enough to keep you going. When you reread your first draft you may feel a bit discouraged about how crap it is. This is normal.
When I was writing about the temple I felt driven to get it finished. Telling my story felt more important to me than how crap my writing was. As you say, when you do something from the heart it just feels right. I ignored the above advice and just published as I went along. I would write a chapter most days and publish it as part of my blog on the internet. Very little time was spent on editing. People began reading my blog and some provided positive comments and this motivated me to finish the thing. It was only when I had finished that I realised that I had the basis of a book.
I later went back and reread the whole blog and was a bit disappointed with the standard of the writing. . I spent months rewriting the whole thing and this led to the book. I don't know if I would have the nerve to do this blog method of writing a book again.
I am currently writing another book, two in fact. This time I am just concentrating on getting the first drafts written and not showing it to anybody.
I really wish you all the best with your writing.
Get your arse in the chair and don't expect yourself to be the next Stephen King.
The joy is in writing the damn thing. If it helps somebody else or it gets published is a big bonus.
I have found the following podcasts helpful.
If you have itunes you can easily download them all or you can listen online.
http://isbw.murlafferty.com/
http://www.writingshow.com/
There are plenty more if you search the internet.
I would also advise that if you have time, and can't do it already, that you learn to touch-type.
There are plenty webpages and free programs on the internet to teach you how to do this.
Paul
Thursday 24 January 2008
My current projects
Now that the 'last Escape' has been released I can focus more on other projects. I have nearly finished a first draft of a follow-up book. This manuscript, which I've been calling 'After the Temple', continues the story of what happened following Wat Thamkrabok. It covers my first year and a bit sober. There is still so much work to do on this manuscript that I fear that it will never be complete.
If I do ever manage to finish 'After the Temple' then the next decision will be what to do with it. I suppose this decision will depend a lot on how the finished manuscript turns out and if 'Last Escape' is well received. I expect to have it finished by the end of 2008.
The reason for writing a follow-up manuscript is that there are many books which describe people giving up alcohol/drugs but there doesn't seem to be many which deal with staying sober after this. Life improves completely when the addiction is put aside but problems still arise and some of these seem common to all newly sober people. It is my hope that maybe this next book can offer encouragement for those trying to stay sober.
Another reason for this book is that following the completion of my blog, which covered the same time period as the book, there were readers with questions. They were interested in what happened to the others after the temple and they were even interested in what happened to me. I dealt with some of these issues briefly in the the postscript to 'Last Escape' but not in any real detail. In the postscript I was trying to condense almost eighteen months of an exciting period of my life into a couple of pages.
As well as 'After the Temple', I am also working on a fiction manuscript. This book is still in the very early stages. Writing about myself all the time so directly can feel a bit draining and self-indulgent and so this is a break from that. I know that some people argue that even fiction is auto-biographical, in that everything we write contains a bit of us, but I want to try my hand at this genre. I am still new to writing and eager to improve my skills.
If I do ever manage to finish 'After the Temple' then the next decision will be what to do with it. I suppose this decision will depend a lot on how the finished manuscript turns out and if 'Last Escape' is well received. I expect to have it finished by the end of 2008.
The reason for writing a follow-up manuscript is that there are many books which describe people giving up alcohol/drugs but there doesn't seem to be many which deal with staying sober after this. Life improves completely when the addiction is put aside but problems still arise and some of these seem common to all newly sober people. It is my hope that maybe this next book can offer encouragement for those trying to stay sober.
Another reason for this book is that following the completion of my blog, which covered the same time period as the book, there were readers with questions. They were interested in what happened to the others after the temple and they were even interested in what happened to me. I dealt with some of these issues briefly in the the postscript to 'Last Escape' but not in any real detail. In the postscript I was trying to condense almost eighteen months of an exciting period of my life into a couple of pages.
As well as 'After the Temple', I am also working on a fiction manuscript. This book is still in the very early stages. Writing about myself all the time so directly can feel a bit draining and self-indulgent and so this is a break from that. I know that some people argue that even fiction is auto-biographical, in that everything we write contains a bit of us, but I want to try my hand at this genre. I am still new to writing and eager to improve my skills.
Monday 21 January 2008
The book in my hands
Twenty complimentary copies of the 'Last Escape' arrived at my door the other day. It was with a great sense of accomplishment that I held the book in my hands for the first time. It seemed like I had been waiting ages for the moment to come - I know that I hadn't, not really. Some people wait years to see there name on the spine of a book, and for many the moment never comes. It had taken me less than a year.
My first impression of the book was that it...Well, it looked like a real book. I was impressed with the design of the thing and thought the typesetting looked very professional; but of course I 'm biased.
I must admit that I do feel very proud of it and spent most of that day turning it over in my hands and sneaking glances at it. I even read a couple of chapters and found the fact that it was on paper meant that it was easier to read. I don't enjoy reading on a computer screen half as much as I do a real book. I had spent months staring at the words in the manuscript, trying to make them readable and near the end began to feel sick just looking at it. The book version made my words seem fresh again.
I now wait eagerly to see what, if any, impact this book will have on its readers. I am not sure when exactly it will hit the shops and living in the middle of nowhere means that I can't check. What if everyone hates it and all they can see is the deficiencies in my writing? How will I cope with the criticism? The truth is that I will remain proud of the 'Last Escape'. It was a genuine attempt by me to be open and honest with the world, and I did my best.
My stack of twenty copies of 'Last Escape' have already begun to dwindle. I gave a few copies to friends here in the village. I also sent a few to Wat Thamkrabok; without the temple there would have been no book to start with. I even signed the copies. I hope this doesn't seem a bit pretentious.
My first impression of the book was that it...Well, it looked like a real book. I was impressed with the design of the thing and thought the typesetting looked very professional; but of course I 'm biased.
I must admit that I do feel very proud of it and spent most of that day turning it over in my hands and sneaking glances at it. I even read a couple of chapters and found the fact that it was on paper meant that it was easier to read. I don't enjoy reading on a computer screen half as much as I do a real book. I had spent months staring at the words in the manuscript, trying to make them readable and near the end began to feel sick just looking at it. The book version made my words seem fresh again.
I now wait eagerly to see what, if any, impact this book will have on its readers. I am not sure when exactly it will hit the shops and living in the middle of nowhere means that I can't check. What if everyone hates it and all they can see is the deficiencies in my writing? How will I cope with the criticism? The truth is that I will remain proud of the 'Last Escape'. It was a genuine attempt by me to be open and honest with the world, and I did my best.
My stack of twenty copies of 'Last Escape' have already begun to dwindle. I gave a few copies to friends here in the village. I also sent a few to Wat Thamkrabok; without the temple there would have been no book to start with. I even signed the copies. I hope this doesn't seem a bit pretentious.
Thursday 17 January 2008
Lokutara by Tim Arnold
I must admit that I hadn't heard of Tim Arnold until a few months ago. I've lived in Thailand for a few years and so haven't kept up with the music scene from that part of the world.
I came across the work of Mr Arnold by pure chance. Like me, he's an ex-patient of Wat Thamkrabok, and when I downloaded an album called Thamkrabok Music I came across one of his songs. It became my favorite track in the collection, so I decided to investigate more. I found his album Lokutara and immediately became a fan. While I was working on my book, 'The Last Escape', I played it constantly.
Lokutara was released in 2004. Much of the music is inspired by Wat Thamkrabok and he actually used a technique developed at the temple to compose his songs. The documentary 'from crack to cracks' shows how cracks, which occur naturally in stone in places such as caves, can be used to select notes on the musical scale. Tim used this technique to write songs for the album. Amazing to see him at work. This documentary was available on youtube but has since disappeared. Hopefully it will turn up again soon, as it's great to watch.
The tracks on Lokutara flow easily into each other and there isn't one dud on the album. They are all great songs. My favorite is River of Love, a song full of emotion and could easily be used as an anthem for the temple. Another favorite is walking through walls. Listen below;
Anyway you can check out Tim's music at;
http://timarnold.co.uk/
I would also recommend Thamkrabok Music;
http://thamkrabokmusic.com/
I came across the work of Mr Arnold by pure chance. Like me, he's an ex-patient of Wat Thamkrabok, and when I downloaded an album called Thamkrabok Music I came across one of his songs. It became my favorite track in the collection, so I decided to investigate more. I found his album Lokutara and immediately became a fan. While I was working on my book, 'The Last Escape', I played it constantly.
Lokutara was released in 2004. Much of the music is inspired by Wat Thamkrabok and he actually used a technique developed at the temple to compose his songs. The documentary 'from crack to cracks' shows how cracks, which occur naturally in stone in places such as caves, can be used to select notes on the musical scale. Tim used this technique to write songs for the album. Amazing to see him at work. This documentary was available on youtube but has since disappeared. Hopefully it will turn up again soon, as it's great to watch.
The tracks on Lokutara flow easily into each other and there isn't one dud on the album. They are all great songs. My favorite is River of Love, a song full of emotion and could easily be used as an anthem for the temple. Another favorite is walking through walls. Listen below;
Anyway you can check out Tim's music at;
http://timarnold.co.uk/
I would also recommend Thamkrabok Music;
http://thamkrabokmusic.com/
Wednesday 16 January 2008
'The Last Escape' has been released
Today is the day. My first book 'The last escape' is now for sale from the Bangkok Bookhouse website and will soon be available in bookshops throughout Thailand and other parts of South East Asia. It is hardly going to take the world by storm but it is a nice feeling to have it out there anyway.
As well as a bit of pride in the book's release I also admit feeling slightly anxious. This book reveals a lot about my personal history and many of the incidents which I describe are far from flattering . Did I do the right thing by allowing this to enter the pubic domain? Reading the blurb about my book on the Bangkok Bookhouse website, my first reaction was that it really focuses on the 'hopeless drunk' aspect of things. Never mind that this I wrote the blurb myself.
The fact is though that I was a hopeless drunk and did a lot of things for which I am not proud. I did change and today I'm a different person but this doesn't mean that past should be just hidden and forgotten, at least that's what I think. I am very much a product of this past and I owe everything that I have today to it. I do feel regret about the times my actions hurt other people but my history is as much a part of me as my skin.
As well as feeling a bit of pride in having a book published, I also hope that my story can help somebody out there dealing with an addiction problem. I know that my blog encouraged a couple of people to seek help and it would be nice to think that 'The last escape' will continue to act as an inspiration. Life does get better when you quit an addiction and in my case it is far better than I would ever have dared to dream. I can still have bad days but nowhere near as bad as when I was drinking. I now love my life.
'The last escape' is now available for sale at;
http://www.bangkokbooks.com/
As well as a bit of pride in the book's release I also admit feeling slightly anxious. This book reveals a lot about my personal history and many of the incidents which I describe are far from flattering . Did I do the right thing by allowing this to enter the pubic domain? Reading the blurb about my book on the Bangkok Bookhouse website, my first reaction was that it really focuses on the 'hopeless drunk' aspect of things. Never mind that this I wrote the blurb myself.
The fact is though that I was a hopeless drunk and did a lot of things for which I am not proud. I did change and today I'm a different person but this doesn't mean that past should be just hidden and forgotten, at least that's what I think. I am very much a product of this past and I owe everything that I have today to it. I do feel regret about the times my actions hurt other people but my history is as much a part of me as my skin.
As well as feeling a bit of pride in having a book published, I also hope that my story can help somebody out there dealing with an addiction problem. I know that my blog encouraged a couple of people to seek help and it would be nice to think that 'The last escape' will continue to act as an inspiration. Life does get better when you quit an addiction and in my case it is far better than I would ever have dared to dream. I can still have bad days but nowhere near as bad as when I was drinking. I now love my life.
'The last escape' is now available for sale at;
http://www.bangkokbooks.com/
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