The death of Phra Hans

It is hard not to marvel at the way life can sometimes help us out by putting the exact person we need to meet onto our path. These guides appear in our lives when we are most desperate and in need of help. A more spiritual person might view these helpers as guardian angels, but many of us are far too cynical to believe in such things. We just put it all down to a quirk of life; that when we are ready the teacher appears. This is how I met Phra Hans.


I had made a complete mess things; I truly had. I was in such a desperate state when this kindly monk came into my life. I had been battling with addiction for twenty years and was losing badly. My life had become unbearable and the part of my mind that had given up hope of recovery just wanted it all to end quickly. I had only the tinniest flicker of hope left inside, and it was this that brought me to the gates of a temple in Thailand called Wat Thamkrabok. It was here that I met the Swiss monk.


The first day speaking to him wasn’t under ideal circumstances. I was sitting in a hard plastic chair shaking because of alcohol withdrawal symptoms. I hadn’t drunk anything that day; I had wanted to but my body just vomited everything back up. Despite not drinking though, I still stunk of booze; a horrible stale stench of alcohol that was seeping through my pores. I felt like a worthless piece of shit just sitting there.


Phra Hans just looked so healthy and serene that it briefly made me feel even more ashamed. But he didn’t show any signs of repulsion with me, as he sat there and patiently listened to my story. He didn’t interrupt once and this came as such a relief after meeting so many people who wanted to give me the answers before hearing my question. He put me at ease. The Swiss monk didn’t seem one bit surprised by anything that I said and didn’t show any signs of judging.


After I finished speaking he was silent for a few seconds before sharing his thoughts with me. He explained how it was his view that addiction was a tool that many of us use to cope with life. This tool though, is not as shiny and good as it first appears. It comes with a sting. The tool is causing us more pain then what we were trying to fix with it. Our addiction must be abandoned because it is now useless to us. There is good news. If we stop our addiction our path in life will find us; this is a reward for beating addiction. It was losing this path which led to our addiction in the first place.


That day in the office with Phra Hans I heard answers that had alluded me for decades. Although my withdrawals from addiction were making it difficult to concentrate, I could easily see that what he said was correct. Over the next couple of weeks at the temple my mind cleared and further chats with Phra Hans cleared things up even further.


I would see Phra Hans occasionally after this. I would drop by the temple and have a quick chat with him. Every time I would be rushing and not taking the time to really talk. I returned to the temple a few weeks ago with my family to celebrate three years sober. I missed Phra Hans that time altogether. I was told that he was sick, but my obsession with my busy life meant that I didn’t go to see him. Of course, I promised myself that next time I would spend a bit of time with him. I wasn’t to know that there wasn’t going to be a next time.


Phra Hans died a couple of days later. I felt sad, and it became tempting to try an turn him into a saint. I didn’t really know him enough for this. He struck me as a humble man. All I know is that he had a bigger impact on my life than people who I’ve known for years. I feel sure that whatever good karma he planted in this life will reward him. This is the Thai way; you don’t thank people too much because you know that their good work will bring them great benefit.

Fitness and recovery

When I entered recovery after years of alcohol addiction my body was in pretty bad shape. My liver was screaming blue murder, and my the rest of me was so familiar with feeling ill that I had forgotten what it felt like to be healthy. For the best part of two decades I felt sick most of the time and didn’t even know it. It wasn’t until I had a break from alcohol that it was possible for me to appreciate what healthy meant; it came as a wonderful surprise.


Two years into my recovery from addiction I made a few discoveries. Although I was no longer drinking alcohol, and my body was feeling a lot better, it soon became obvious that there was more work to be done. I had started piling on a lot of weight, and the fact that I had a small frame made this extra weight seem far from flattering. I reached 85 kg. I might have got away with this if I lived back in Europe where baggy clothes can hide a lot of fat, but living in a hot country like Thailand meant hiding my belly would involve dying from heat stroke. The fact that I was also surrounded by Thai people who tend to be small worked to make me feel even more of a fatty.


As well as feeling a bit self-conscious about my extra weight there was also the problem of my unhealthy diet causing me feel sluggish much of the time. When my son was born I struggled to keep up with him and realised that something would have to change. I decided that I didn’t get sober to feel bad. Becoming overweight was one thing, but not being able to play for long periods with my son really got to me. I imagined what it would be like in another decade when I’m in my fifties. No, action would need to be taken and taken right away.


Last year I made the wise move of buying a game called Wii Fit for my Nintendo. This introduced me back into fitness. I was soon able to exercise for half an hour a day and this increased to nearly an hour on some days. My energy levels quickly came back. I also changed my diet to a vegetarian one and this also improved the way my body felt. The weight quickly fell away and I am now 70 kg and seem to have no problem maintaining this weight.


I have also found my way back into martial arts. These have always held a great attraction for me. It was actually my move away from martial arts in my teens which signalled my move into addiction. I now practice Tai Chi every day; as well as working out in the more energetic martial arts. This is working to keep me feeling physically fit and maintain my interest in keeping healthy.


Now fitness is an important part of my ongoing recovery from addiction. I do something every day and like the way my body has a much younger feel to it. I would hate to go back to the way things were before. Life is too good. I don’t see exercise as a chore, but something to look forward to; a welcome break. Pumping up a sweat can really provide a good feeling.